To the ones I leave behind

To the ones I leave behind. 

I love you. I care deeply about you. You might question my motives or how I can live halfway around the world from my family, from the friends I've known my entire life, and from the city I love. From the comforts of home. From the familiarity and safety of it all. 

Know that it is not easy. Know that it hurts. Know that my heart breaks when I have to say goodbye. Today as I said goodbye my to my sister, nephews and brother in law, my heart ripped in two. To not be able to hear Aunt Val every day, to not get sweet hugs, kisses and cuddles from them, to not be able to watch them grow up and see how much they change day by day. It hurts. It hurts my heart and o how I've cried. Today as my nephew was crying with me because he is learning to process this, what does saying goodbye mean? He also gave me a big hug and asked if that helped, if that made it better and why I was sad. Honestly, that made it better but it also just tore my heart into a bigger mess. This sweet little boy gets me and o how I love my nephews and my sister and brother in law. I love my family and if I could I would bring them with me or I would stay here. But that is not where God is calling me right now. 

He isn't calling me to be with my family. My friends. My home. I'm called to go. To bring other people into the church, into God's family. He has called me to find my home somewhere else. He has called me to be someone else's aunt. Sister. Friend. He has called me to love the least of these. To be family to those who might not have one. To create a home wherever I am. To bringing the comforting love of God to the dark and dying places. He has called me to go. He has called me to fight for justice. 

He calls us all to go. To be a light: to be the salt of the world. I'm just called a little further than you are. 

But know that I love you. Know that you are never far from my thoughts and prayers. Know that my heart is very much with you. Know that I need you. Know that I need your love and support, in prayers, good thoughts, and finances. I can’t do this without you. Know that I need you.  But know that New Zealand is also home. Know that I've created a family there. And while I'm home here in Chicago, I miss them. I miss my Friday night Crew. I miss my church family. I miss the families who have taken me in as their own. Who have pretty much adopted me into their families. I miss them now, just as much as I miss you when I am with them. 

My heart is in a hundred places all over this world. I pray that my heart doesn't get calloused to goodbyes. I pray my heart remains tender and soft. I'm okay with being sad and with missing people because that means I feel love for something, it means that there is something bigger than me going on. 

I also know that He is faithful. He is worthy. He is so worthy of my life. My everything. God is worthy of the pain, sadness and distance. But he doesn't leave me in that. He meets me there and He comforts me. He brings people alongside of me to be my family wherever I go. He brings me into other people's lives so I can be their Aunt Val or Ate Val (the Philippines) or Pi Val ( Thailand). So I can love on kids who don't have that. Jesus has given me so much love to give to so many people. He has given me His heart for the world and it is deep and vast and wide. I pray that He continues to give me family all over the world, to continue to grow my heart for Him. For them. And for you. 

So to those I leave behind...I see you. I hear you. I value you. I love you. I do not leave you behind, I take you with me. You are a part of me, as I am a part of you. Know it is not easy to say goodbye but know that He is worthy of it.