Bittersweet

Bittersweet. As I sit here and think about my life and where I am at right now, that's the word that fits.
Bittersweet.

I don't really know what the future holds for me right now. I don't know where I will be working this year or what I'll be doing. I know I will be taking classes but other then that my future is unclear. I won't be returning to my second home, to the family I have grown to love so deeply and the people I have walked these last two amazing years with. I won't be returning to the most beautiful nation I have ever seen in a few weeks, instead I will be staying in one of the greatest cities of the world, which so happens to be my hometown.

I'm not gonna lie and say I'm not sad or upset or mad, because I've felt all of these things, and quite possibly might even feel them over the next few weeks. But that's ok. My emotions are valid. I'm not crazy, I'm not too emotional, I'm just me. The last 2 years I've learned about who I am, and the way God created me. And God created me to feel things, to feel them with passion, to feel them at great depths. My heart is sad and hurts because selfishly I want to be in Oxford, I want to be changing the world, I want to be a light. I want to be with the community who has challenged me, loved me, made me laugh and cry, the community which has become my family, I want to return to them.

But I can do that here. I can be a light here. I can create that community here. God is not limited to New Zealand or Thailand or Africa or Asia or Chicago. God is so big and so great and His plans are so much better. He can use me anywhere, actually He doesn't even need to use me but He chooses to use me and you. He chooses to use us in mighty ways to make a difference, to change people's lives. It is sweet that I get to live out the life God has called me. To live amongst the people I've known my whole life. It is sweet that right now I am called to be home, to be there for my friends and family, to create community wherever I go.

I am excited about this next year. When I've asked people to pray for me, a few came back and told me that they just get this really excited feeling and that they are super excited for what is going to come next. God is always keeping me on my toes, 3 years ago when I graduated from college, I never would've thought that I'd become a missionary and move to New Zealand and travel and tell people about Jesus. That my heart would break for the 27 million. That my heart cries out for justice. That I would be attending Seminary for Christian Ministry and Global Studies. God is a God of surprises and of interruptions. And as much as it hurts or is sad, life is so SO good and it is so sweet, but for right now it's a little bittersweet.

So please love me, ask me how I'm doing, invite me to things, help me transition to being home. I'm sorry if I share too many stories of life overseas, I'm not trying to brag or anything, it's just my life. It's what I've done, it's my testimony. I'm sorry if sometimes I seem sad or distant, my heart at times will be thousands of miles away.

And for my community and my family that are miles away, I love you. I miss you. I want to hear about your life. I want to still be a part of it all. Email me. Imessage me. Skype me. Or even greater send a letter. I promise I'll send one back. I will miss you terribly this year but I will pray for you every single day.

Pray for me as I transition and move through this bittersweet time.

What Does Love Look Like?

Why do we love? Do we love in order to get something out of a deal? Do we love in order to feel a certain way or do we love because He first loved us? 

Do we love the people that are easy to love? The ones that are kind and nice. The ones who you have a pleasant interaction with, what about the ones who are having a rough day and might snap at you? What about the people who talk about you behind your back, the ones who do evil things? Do we love them, do we show them love? Do we love the men that buy and sell women and children as if they were objects? Do we love the traffickers who steal women and smuggle them into another country? How can you love someone who does something so evil? What about the men and women who travel thousands of miles to take advantage of these people? That go into the bars of Thailand for one reason? What about the people you share a room with for 3 months? The people you see every single day, day after day, when they annoy you and you just can't stand it anymore? How do you love those people?

God has so been challenging me in how I love people, how I can show his love to people that I just meet, on the street, in an airport or the barista making my coffee. When I was going through the red light district of Chiang Mai and seeing the women and men that work in these places my heart just broke. To love these men and women weren't hard, you see their brokenness and you just know that God loves them, what was harder was to love the men in these bars...when you see the wedding rings, and the flirting and you know what they are there for. How do you love these men when you think of the evil that they do...and then God gives me a glimpse of how He see them. They are just as lost and broken as the men and women who work in the bars. They are His sons and Jesus died for them just as much as he died for me. 

In the movie Nefarious, a former trafficker says these words that made me change the way I thought. He said, "I was a captive of one thing, she was a captive of another thing, but God WANTS to set the captives FREE!" God can redeem the darkest parts of our lives. This man who was formerly a trafficker now works with at risk youth.  Instead of trafficking the youth, he helps protect them and make them more aware of their surroundings and how traffickers think and work. 

Sometimes I think as Christians we put labels on sin and say that we aren't as bad as those people but in Gods eyes we have failed, we are all the same and that is a sobering thought. but the good thing is that while we were still in our sin, God reached out, He loves us so much. He just wants his kids back, he just wants a relationship with us. Nothing we have done will make him love us any less or any more. He desires a relationship with us where we are at, we don't have to meet this standard or anything in order to get His love. He just loves us and He fights for us and He defends us. He just wants us.

To love can look like just listening to someone's story. To sit and listen and be with a friend who is grieving or going through a tough time. To love means to die to our selfish desires and put others needs before our own. To love can simply be using your server, barista, person checking you out at a grocery store's name when you talk to them. The world will change not by any big movement but by small acts of love and kindness.