Why Do I Do This?

Why do I spend holidays away from family and friends?
Why do I give up spending time with the ones I love?
I have a job but I pay to do it and literally rely on the support of others to live on. 
I am called to Go. I am called to share the love of God and His desire to be reconciled to His kids. 
He is worthy. He is worth every single penny, minute away from family and friends, tear, laughter, long bus ride. He is worth sleeping on mats on the floor in third world countries. He is worth every single good moment, bad moment, tough moment. He is worth it all. 

Why do I do what I do? Because I have a stirring in my heart to see ALL people to know the love of the Father. I want ALL people to know how Jesus paid the price. I want ALL people to know how the Holy Spirit is with us always and is our comforter, helper, friend and will never leave us. 

I was challenged by one of our speakers who spoke on revival. He talked about who we are created to be, what we are supposed to do and the context. 

• Matthew 19:28-30- Jesus said to them, "Truly I tell you, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man sits on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. And everyone who has left houses or brother or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life. But many who are first will be last and many who are last will be first.
• This is who we are called to be

• Matthew 24:14- And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.
• This is what we are called to do

• Isaiah 60:1-3- Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the LORD rises upon you.  See darkness covers the earth and thick darkness is over the peoples, but the LORD rises upon you and his glory appears over you. Nations will come to your light, and kings to the brightness of your dawn.
• This is the context, even though the world is getting darker, our lights will shine even brighter.

Why do I do what I do? Because I am called to go. My heart is not satisfied just sitting still. I love serving people. I love sharing the love of God with people. I love seeing people grow in their love and knowledge of who God truly is. He is a good Father, who loves us so much and sent Jesus to pay the price so we could be in relationship with Him. He also sent the Holy Spirit, to be with us. God with us, God in us. We aren't alone in this world. He has given us all authority. He has called us to share. He wants us to share Jesus with whoever we meet! 

John Piper says "So, you have three possibilities in world missions. You can be a goer, a sender, or disobedient. The Bible does not assume that everyone goes. But it does assume that the ones who do not go care about the goers and support goers and pray for goers and hold the rope of the goers" 

• Being a goer doesn't meant that you have to do what I am doing and go out into the nations, it could so don't rule it out, but I think it just means that you step out in faith. You step out to make a difference. You stand up and speak and preach about Jesus. You don't care about what people thing of you or what people will do to you because God will take care of you and who are you trying to please, God or man?

So why do I do what I do? Because He is worth everything, He is worth my life, He is worth my all. He is worth everything and I will say that until the day I die, then I'll see Him face to face and continue to say it. You are worth it. You were worth it. You are worthy of it all.

Who told you, you weren't beautiful?

Who told you, you weren't beautiful?
I hear the Father ask me this.
Who told you, you weren't beautiful?

Years of being picked on flash through my mind. Years of being the tallest or the biggest girl. Years of being called big foot, the jolly green giant, or other names that have long been forgotten but their scars are still there. My mind flashes back to statements of, "You would be more attractive if you could just lose a few pounds. or you would have a boyfriend if you were skinnier." I think about the time in college when I lost weight because of stress, when I lost weight because of circumstances around me, when I had an eating disorder.  My mind also floats back to about 2 months ago when I sat in a doctors office and the woman in front of me tells me I'm obese. Words hurt. Words have so much power.

I answer back to my Father and say the world, friends, and family. People that I love and people I barely even know.

He says to me: You are so beautiful my daughter. See yourself with my eyes. You are so beautiful. Your smile is beautiful. Your eyes light up when you laugh. You are so beautiful. Listen to my voice. Listen to what I tell you and believe it. Believe that you are loved and you are worthy of love. I am enthralled with your beauty. Listen to my voice. Listen to my sweet whisper of love.

This is a glimpse into a conversation I had with God this past week. This is something I am dealing with right now with the need to be beautiful, with feeling beautiful, and being confident in that beauty. Being confident in who God made me, the emotional, beautiful mess of a person that He loves so deeply. I have committed to read Psalm 139 every single morning and throughout the day. I have committed to begin reading it to myself while I look in a mirror. I want to see myself the way Papa sees me. I want to see myself the way the Father sees me.

I want people to know that words have so much power. I had been winning this battle of beauty for a good 6 months until I went to the doctors and those words of her telling me I'm obese just cut deep. I don't even know how or why but they did. And I didn't feel beautiful. I honestly felt like a fat, ugly bump on a log, not worth a second glance. The words stung. Words have power. We need to speak life over ourselves but also over each other. We need to be careful with what we say, even when we are joking around. You don't know what other people have battled with, or are battling. We need to speak words of life and love over each other.

So will you make a stand with me and speak words of love. Speak words of life. Speak words of beauty.

And know that you are beautiful and so madly loved by a King who gave up everything for you.

Returning Home

I left home to head home. That's what I felt when I was leaving New Zealand in March. I felt as if I was leaving home to go home. And now as I prepare to return to New Zealand, I feel the same thing. I'm leaving home to go home. 

I love New Zealand so much and my heart is in that nation. I am returning to New Zealand to staff with YWAM and to be a staffer for the Justice DTS, school that I just finished in March. I felt God beginning to place this in my heart and in my mind last November when I was in the lecture phase of my DTS. I felt God showing me that my gifts would be used well in an environment like YWAM. I would get to pour into people and love on them. I would get to spend time just walking with people on their walks with Jesus. I would be able to lead people to other nations and just share the love of God with people! My heart's cry for last few years has been to love God and love people. That continues to be my hearts cry. 

I am so excited about this next chapter of life and this journey that papa is taking me on. He has continuously confirmed over and over again that He will provide and that He is so good. He continues to reveal His heart in many ways. I cannot wait to dive even deeper into relationship with the Father and see what He has in store for me. I am excited about the people that I am going to be staffing with. I'm exciting about meeting the new students and becoming friends with them. Am I sad about leaving Chicago and all my loved ones here? Of course I am. The verse that I continuously turn towards in this time is Luke 14:26 If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.

It doesn't mean that I hate my family because I don't, I do love my family. But the love I have for my family will look like hate in comparison to my love for Jesus. I will live for Jesus in wholehearted abandon. I give up my life daily and take whatever God has in store for me that day. God will not leave me or forsake me. He won't take me to a foreign land and abandon me there. He is always with me. He is a good father who gives good gifts to His kids. I am going to the nations to tell more of His kids about His love for them. That all He wants is a relationship with them and that He wants them to be reconciled through that. 

I will be blogging my journey, what God is teaching me, what I am learning, what I am doing and just everyday life. I'm excited to continue on this journey in New Zealand and where ever else God calls me in the next two years. As for right now I will enjoy my time at home with family and friends, working at camp and just being here. I will head home to New Zealand on August 22 after spending 2 days with friends in LA. So walk with me on this journey and come home with me. 

Waiting

Waiting.
Patiently I am waiting.
Not so patiently I am waiting. Waiting to hear back.
Waiting on the Lord.
Waiting and waiting and waiting.

Waiting isn't a bad place to be. It can be hard and stressful and full of anxiety.
BUT it can also be a time of just resting in the father's love, knowing whatever the outcome, it's what He wants and in His timing and not my own.

Waiting.
Have you heard yet? When will you hear? You haven't heard anything?!
These are things that I've been hearing recently. I'm waiting to hear back from my base, to see if I get to return to the land that I have fallen in love with and pour into students and to just learn more about my Poppa and being His daughter. It's hard some days, who am I kidding, it's hard most days but I know that it will happen in the right timing. Not my own, but in God's timing. I am learning patience. I am learning to be at peace.

If I get accepted, I will be so excited to be going back to a land that I love and to be with people that I adore. If I don't, I know God has better things in store for me. That I will be right where I am supposed to be. I don't serve a small God. I serve a BIG God. A God who answers prayers, who preforms miracles! A God who takes care of the little things and the big things! My God is not a puny God, He is a mighty God. My God provides. He is a good father. He just wants to lavish on gifts and love onto His children. He just wants to spend time with His kids. That's all that He is looking for, a relationship with you. He wants all of us, mind, body, and soul.

And sometimes He makes us wait. So until Poppa shows what's next, I will continue to wait.

Will you wait with me?

Whanau

Whanau means family in Maori. I have experienced family so much since arriving in New Zealand but even more since arriving here in Mangere, Auckland. I am staying at Te Ao Marama, which is a YWAM base here. Last Monday we had a Powhiri here at the base. This is a ceremony where the people of the land (base) welcome the visitors and they become one tribe/family. It is such a beautiful Maori tradition. I was so blessed by it. Men make speeches about who they are, why they are here and what God is calling us together for. It is a beautiful ceremony about the acceptance into a family. Rahiri explained parts of the ceremony as also being symbols of our relationship with God. At the beginning, there are warriors from the home tribe that come out to challenge the visitors, to see what their intentions are, for good or for bad. The put down a symbol of peace and step back and then the vistors send a warrior to pick up the symbol of peace. It's all about our decision to pick up the challenge from God, to pick up the peace from Him. We are people from all walks of life, and from all over the world but God has made us a family and I have so experienced that sense of family here. I have grown to absolutely love my whanau here at Te Ao Marama. I have gotten such a vivid picture as to what the church is supposed to be and what it's supposed to look like. Someone from the base experienced the death of a loved one and then one of our team members has lost her grandpa in the past week, to see the  support from the people here, to see the love and concern from people you barely know. We (my team) were able to be there for Ron when his mom passed away, and now they stand with us in the grieving of this grandpa. It doesn't matter who we are, where we come from, what we sound like or look like, we are the church, we are the body, we are the bride. We need to put aside small differences and focus on what it means to be the body! We are to be there for each other whenever something happens, rejoice when others rejoice, mourn with those in mourning. These people, this whanau, I will never forget them. I also don't think this will be my last time here with these people.

I have fallen in love with the Maori and Pacific culture. I have fallen in love with these people. I have fallen in love with what the church is supposed to look like and be. I have fallen more in love with my God and what He is calling us to be.