How Lovely

How lovely is your dwelling place,

   O LORD Almighty.

My soul yearns and even faints

  for the courts of the LORD;

my heart and my flesh cry out

  for the living God.

~Psalm 84:1-2

A week ago in class I meditated on these verses following the RWSSP plan.

Read it

Write it

Say it

Sing it

Pray it

As I read through the verses over and over for a few minutes, the phrase, "How lovely is your dwelling place," stuck out to me, so I wrote it down. I then began to ask God what do you mean by lovely? He shared with me that He means not only lovely but also:

How Beautiful

Majestic

Wondrous

Awe-inspiring

Comforting

Restful

Gorgeous

Homey.

Then I began to ask God where is His dwelling place. His throne room is the first one most of us automatically think of, and these words describe his throne room. His throne room is beautiful, majestic, wondrous, homey and awe-inspiring. Creation is another place that God dwells. He dwells here on earth. He has created this place to be lovely, beautiful, gorgeous, comforting, and awe-inspiring. How many times have I driven down the road and my breath is taken away by the beauty of this country? God chooses to dwell here because it is lovely.

But the other thing that I began to write and God speak to me is this:

You dwell in us. We are your dwelling place. You call us lovely. You call us beautiful. You dwell within us. This world is your dwelling place. It is beautiful. There is beauty in the brokenness. It is there you meet with. 

Not only is God's throne room and creation lovely but WE are His dwelling place and He call su lovely. He calls us worthy. He calls us beautiful, majestic, awe-inspiring, comforting, homey, and wondrous. These words that we would use to describe the majesty of the throne room, that we read in Revelation 4 or Isaiah 6, or the beauty of creation- the Psalms are full of declaring the beauty of creation. And yet, with these words He would also describe us! He would describe us as beautiful, majestic, homey, and awe-inspiring. The one who created everything is so in love with the people He created. He chooses to dwell not only just amongst us but also IN us. That is just so amazing. 

We are lovely.

We are beautiful.

We are majestic. 

We are wondrous.

We are comforting.

We are awe-inspiring.

We are His dwelling place.

If we could just begin to wrap our brains around the fact that this is His heart and His thoughts for us, I believe we would be in constant praise and adoration of Him. He is just so worthy of all that we have because He is so deserving of it. He is a gentleman and does not go where He is not invited. I have been so challenged with how I live my life and just how much of my life am I actually giving to God. Am I willing to give up sleep to spend extra time with Him? Am I willing to give up popular music, movies, and TV shows because they are not glorifying God and edifying to my soul? Am I willing to look like a fool because this God of the universe has chosen me to be His dwelling place? Am I willing to stand apart from those around me?

I am not a part of this world. My home is in heaven. I am called to be a part of an upside down culture. I am called to be set apart. I am called to be His and to be His dwelling place. I want to give Him my everything for as long as I live. I want to run the race set before me, fixing my eyes on Jesus. I know who I am and whose I am! I am His dwelling place, and He calls me by name. He calls me to a higher standard. I am His beloved and He is mine.

Christmas Away

So a questioned I've been asked a lot recently is...so what made you come before Christmas? or How can you leave your family at Christmas time?

Well my answer for that is simple...because it's what God said to do. I felt called to come back to New Zealand in early December to see off a few of my dear friends before they went on outreach. I felt called to come back to reconnect with my co-leader in person and spend time planning the school in the same place. I wanted to come back and reunite with people in Oxford that I had said I'll see you in 4 months...and didn't come back for a year and a half. I wanted to build relationships with people at the church I attend and really begin to set some roots. I wanted to continue to build on friendships here and continue to make this place feel like home even more.

Christmas was hard at first this year. On Christmas Eve and Christmas morning I broke down in tears because I missed home and I missed my family. I talked to my parents briefly and it just made me miss them even more. I texted with friends and talked with my roommates. I miss my uncle and my heart breaks for his family as they experience the first Christmas without him. I miss the little things that I took for granted and cherish so dearly now.

But today was also a really good day. I got to skype with my parents which I didn't think I would get to do. I got to do Christmas morning with my roommates and open presents. I spent the day with a really great Kiwi family who adopted me as one of their own and opened their home up. We had a massive Christmas dinner, sat around and talked, played games, went on a walk, and just really felt like part of a family. I came home and am extremely thankful that today I got to experience a bit of my bigger family. I got to experience a new depth of God's love and He felt every so close today. He brought peace and comfort, not only through Himself but through other people. The family that adopted me knew that this would be a rough day and so we (my friend Kelsey and I) were met with lots of hugs and asking how we were. Sharing about what Christmas looks like where we are from and they did what they could to make it feel a bit more like home.

So when asked how can you do Christmas away, my response is...yes Christmas is hard to be away but I get to learn more about the family I have with God. I get to be comforted by the one who knows me the best. I get loved on people both near and far. But Christmas and any other day spent away from where I grew up, from my family and friends, is one more day that I continually say that God is worth it. He is worth the time away from friends and family. He is worth so much more than anything that I could give Him and this is just one thing that I can do. I am called to a beautiful country filled with beautiful people and I am happy here, but on days like today, when it's a bit harder to be far away from family, I just remind myself that He is worth it and then I ask the one who created me to stay close and to speak to my innermost being. On days when it's hard, I get to just sit in my heavenly Father's lap and let Him love me and comfort me. On days like today, I get to glimpse a little bit of what heaven's going to be like and it's going to be awesome.

One Year Later

A year ago today I made the announcement that I would be staying stateside and going to seminary. Today I paid for my last classes and turned in my application for graduation. It's crazy to think about all that has happened in a year and all that I have experienced. I am so grateful for this past year at home. There have been times that have challenged me and tried me, there have been moments of great joy and sorrow. And you know what I wouldn't change it. My friendships with people have grown much stronger and deeper. I have been able to be vulnerable and open with people and to share what God has been teaching me in this journey of life. I have been given opportunities to lead and to follow. I have been able to see many of my lovely friends and family from around the world this past year. God knows exactly what we need and the timing in which we need it and this past year was one of growth and relationship building for myself.

It was during Teen Camp a year ago that I found out that my visa was denied, and it was the perfect spot for me to find out because I was surrounded by people that I love and who love me. These are the people who see you at your best and worst and still love you. These are the people who have encouraged me for years and have seen me grow from camper to teen staffer to counselor to program director. Last week I returned to be on the program team for Teen Camp once again. After months of planning and organizing it was time to finally see it all come together and have the campers arrive.

Let me tell you camp was amazing, in so many more ways than I was expecting. I was expecting to laugh a lot and have some really great conversations with people. I was expecting to see God to work but He blew my mind away. I saw God change the heart of a camper who we did not know what to do with her at the beginning of the week but at the end she was standing with arms held high praising God. No heart, no person is never too far away from God. Prayer does wonders. I saw the answer to prayer on Friday night, and with tears streaming down my face He gave me another reminder that He is always at work. I had campers come up to me saying do you remember me? You were my counselor when I was 9 or when I was at this camp? It was amazing to see how they have grown and developed and that they are still coming to camp. I had campers tell me that camp has changed their life and you know what I say to that, it changed mine too.

I have been going to Lake Geneva Youth Camp since I was 8. I got my patches. I worked in the kitchen, in handcraft, on rec staff and as a counselor. I have gone to teen camp and worked family camp. I have fallen in love with God every single summer. I have created life long friendships that even if we don't talk for a while pick up exactly where we left off. I believe in the power of summer camp and how it is such a unique place to meet with God and to experience family, community and to hear the truth of God. Last Saturday was one of the hardest days for me. I had to say good bye to my second home. I am returning to New Zealand in December and I won't be home for camp next summer and my heart is sad about that. I had to say good bye to the family that I have created over the past 18 years of my life. It was and still has been an emotional week. I know that God has big plans for this next year and that next summer will be great and I will be doing Kingdom work wherever I am but my heart will be a little bit sad that I won't be in one of my favorite places in the world with my camp family. But I will cherish the time and memories and will be excitingly looking forward to the next time I am able to be there again. It's crazy all the things that can happen for year and looking forward I cannot wait to see where God will take me next.

Journey Off the Map

My emotions have been a bit all over the place this past week, let's be real, over the past year but even more so this past week. I think a big part of it was because I saw God's hand at work. I saw God's kingdom come to earth in my church. I saw the one part of the body come together to help another part and man it was a beautiful sight that brought me to tears every. single. day.

This past week I had the opportunity to co-direct the VBS at my church. It's been amazing to see how everything comes together after months of planning. The time, the effort, the conversations and decisions that come into play. This year we made some big changes to our VBS program, we got rid of crafts and we got rid of water games. The curriculum we were using was called Journey Off The Map and it's all about how we need to know our guide, trust our guide, and follow Him. God is our guide and sometimes He takes us on adventures where we didn't know we were going. This has been my journey the last four years and it has been a wild ride but the greatest adventure I could ever go on. I have journeyed off the map and gone places I never thought I would want to go too or fall in love with. Even this last year and being home to help plan VBS has been part of that journey. This past year and working at Starbucks and going to Seminary has been different than what I thought God had planned for me but HIS plans are perfect. 

Anyways back to VBS, there was also a missions component that we felt was more important than crafts. It told the story of two different kids. Gracie, who is a missionary in Lesotho Africa with her parents and sisters. The other is a story of kid named Eddie who started a bible study after school with some friends that grew into a church in Fontana, California. Funny thing is, that church is where one of my best friends from YWAM attends and has helped form him into the man of God that he is. These stories show how God uses us wherever we are and that we can be a part of missions here in the states doing something as simple as a bible study or you can be called overseas to serve in the villages of Africa. God will use you wherever you are, just listen for His voice sayings "This is the way, now walk in it."

Every year we take an offering for a missionary or an organization. Two years ago the kids raised money for me to go back to New Zealand. This year we raised money for Sila Home which was one of the children's homes I worked with in Thailand. We didn't know how much we would raise but every day as we sang the song, How Much Does it Weigh?, and the kids were running forward with their change for the offering my eyes welled with tears. It's a beautiful thing to see kids raising money for other kids in another country. Today we tallied how much money and how much "weight" the kids brought in. We had set a goal of 225 pounds. They brought in 444 pounds of change and it totaled over $1200. In that moment I was overwhelmed with the goodness of God and how His plans and his connections for us are the best thing. He has brought us together as a family to take care of one another. I know that it doesn't seem like much but this week I saw God's kingdom come to earth and I saw His hands move in my church. 

As we look around the world, we can become overwhelmed with all the evil and terrible things that are happening but we must remember who is in control. He is our guide and we can trust Him. He knows what is happening. We just have to take a look around and see the goodness of God. It's there, we just have to ask for His eyes to see it. 

Bittersweet

Bittersweet. As I sit here and think about my life and where I am at right now, that's the word that fits.
Bittersweet.

I don't really know what the future holds for me right now. I don't know where I will be working this year or what I'll be doing. I know I will be taking classes but other then that my future is unclear. I won't be returning to my second home, to the family I have grown to love so deeply and the people I have walked these last two amazing years with. I won't be returning to the most beautiful nation I have ever seen in a few weeks, instead I will be staying in one of the greatest cities of the world, which so happens to be my hometown.

I'm not gonna lie and say I'm not sad or upset or mad, because I've felt all of these things, and quite possibly might even feel them over the next few weeks. But that's ok. My emotions are valid. I'm not crazy, I'm not too emotional, I'm just me. The last 2 years I've learned about who I am, and the way God created me. And God created me to feel things, to feel them with passion, to feel them at great depths. My heart is sad and hurts because selfishly I want to be in Oxford, I want to be changing the world, I want to be a light. I want to be with the community who has challenged me, loved me, made me laugh and cry, the community which has become my family, I want to return to them.

But I can do that here. I can be a light here. I can create that community here. God is not limited to New Zealand or Thailand or Africa or Asia or Chicago. God is so big and so great and His plans are so much better. He can use me anywhere, actually He doesn't even need to use me but He chooses to use me and you. He chooses to use us in mighty ways to make a difference, to change people's lives. It is sweet that I get to live out the life God has called me. To live amongst the people I've known my whole life. It is sweet that right now I am called to be home, to be there for my friends and family, to create community wherever I go.

I am excited about this next year. When I've asked people to pray for me, a few came back and told me that they just get this really excited feeling and that they are super excited for what is going to come next. God is always keeping me on my toes, 3 years ago when I graduated from college, I never would've thought that I'd become a missionary and move to New Zealand and travel and tell people about Jesus. That my heart would break for the 27 million. That my heart cries out for justice. That I would be attending Seminary for Christian Ministry and Global Studies. God is a God of surprises and of interruptions. And as much as it hurts or is sad, life is so SO good and it is so sweet, but for right now it's a little bittersweet.

So please love me, ask me how I'm doing, invite me to things, help me transition to being home. I'm sorry if I share too many stories of life overseas, I'm not trying to brag or anything, it's just my life. It's what I've done, it's my testimony. I'm sorry if sometimes I seem sad or distant, my heart at times will be thousands of miles away.

And for my community and my family that are miles away, I love you. I miss you. I want to hear about your life. I want to still be a part of it all. Email me. Imessage me. Skype me. Or even greater send a letter. I promise I'll send one back. I will miss you terribly this year but I will pray for you every single day.

Pray for me as I transition and move through this bittersweet time.

What Does Love Look Like?

Why do we love? Do we love in order to get something out of a deal? Do we love in order to feel a certain way or do we love because He first loved us? 

Do we love the people that are easy to love? The ones that are kind and nice. The ones who you have a pleasant interaction with, what about the ones who are having a rough day and might snap at you? What about the people who talk about you behind your back, the ones who do evil things? Do we love them, do we show them love? Do we love the men that buy and sell women and children as if they were objects? Do we love the traffickers who steal women and smuggle them into another country? How can you love someone who does something so evil? What about the men and women who travel thousands of miles to take advantage of these people? That go into the bars of Thailand for one reason? What about the people you share a room with for 3 months? The people you see every single day, day after day, when they annoy you and you just can't stand it anymore? How do you love those people?

God has so been challenging me in how I love people, how I can show his love to people that I just meet, on the street, in an airport or the barista making my coffee. When I was going through the red light district of Chiang Mai and seeing the women and men that work in these places my heart just broke. To love these men and women weren't hard, you see their brokenness and you just know that God loves them, what was harder was to love the men in these bars...when you see the wedding rings, and the flirting and you know what they are there for. How do you love these men when you think of the evil that they do...and then God gives me a glimpse of how He see them. They are just as lost and broken as the men and women who work in the bars. They are His sons and Jesus died for them just as much as he died for me. 

In the movie Nefarious, a former trafficker says these words that made me change the way I thought. He said, "I was a captive of one thing, she was a captive of another thing, but God WANTS to set the captives FREE!" God can redeem the darkest parts of our lives. This man who was formerly a trafficker now works with at risk youth.  Instead of trafficking the youth, he helps protect them and make them more aware of their surroundings and how traffickers think and work. 

Sometimes I think as Christians we put labels on sin and say that we aren't as bad as those people but in Gods eyes we have failed, we are all the same and that is a sobering thought. but the good thing is that while we were still in our sin, God reached out, He loves us so much. He just wants his kids back, he just wants a relationship with us. Nothing we have done will make him love us any less or any more. He desires a relationship with us where we are at, we don't have to meet this standard or anything in order to get His love. He just loves us and He fights for us and He defends us. He just wants us.

To love can look like just listening to someone's story. To sit and listen and be with a friend who is grieving or going through a tough time. To love means to die to our selfish desires and put others needs before our own. To love can simply be using your server, barista, person checking you out at a grocery store's name when you talk to them. The world will change not by any big movement but by small acts of love and kindness. 

Why Do I Do This?

Why do I spend holidays away from family and friends?
Why do I give up spending time with the ones I love?
I have a job but I pay to do it and literally rely on the support of others to live on. 
I am called to Go. I am called to share the love of God and His desire to be reconciled to His kids. 
He is worthy. He is worth every single penny, minute away from family and friends, tear, laughter, long bus ride. He is worth sleeping on mats on the floor in third world countries. He is worth every single good moment, bad moment, tough moment. He is worth it all. 

Why do I do what I do? Because I have a stirring in my heart to see ALL people to know the love of the Father. I want ALL people to know how Jesus paid the price. I want ALL people to know how the Holy Spirit is with us always and is our comforter, helper, friend and will never leave us. 

I was challenged by one of our speakers who spoke on revival. He talked about who we are created to be, what we are supposed to do and the context. 

• Matthew 19:28-30- Jesus said to them, "Truly I tell you, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man sits on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. And everyone who has left houses or brother or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life. But many who are first will be last and many who are last will be first.
• This is who we are called to be

• Matthew 24:14- And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.
• This is what we are called to do

• Isaiah 60:1-3- Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the LORD rises upon you.  See darkness covers the earth and thick darkness is over the peoples, but the LORD rises upon you and his glory appears over you. Nations will come to your light, and kings to the brightness of your dawn.
• This is the context, even though the world is getting darker, our lights will shine even brighter.

Why do I do what I do? Because I am called to go. My heart is not satisfied just sitting still. I love serving people. I love sharing the love of God with people. I love seeing people grow in their love and knowledge of who God truly is. He is a good Father, who loves us so much and sent Jesus to pay the price so we could be in relationship with Him. He also sent the Holy Spirit, to be with us. God with us, God in us. We aren't alone in this world. He has given us all authority. He has called us to share. He wants us to share Jesus with whoever we meet! 

John Piper says "So, you have three possibilities in world missions. You can be a goer, a sender, or disobedient. The Bible does not assume that everyone goes. But it does assume that the ones who do not go care about the goers and support goers and pray for goers and hold the rope of the goers" 

• Being a goer doesn't meant that you have to do what I am doing and go out into the nations, it could so don't rule it out, but I think it just means that you step out in faith. You step out to make a difference. You stand up and speak and preach about Jesus. You don't care about what people thing of you or what people will do to you because God will take care of you and who are you trying to please, God or man?

So why do I do what I do? Because He is worth everything, He is worth my life, He is worth my all. He is worth everything and I will say that until the day I die, then I'll see Him face to face and continue to say it. You are worth it. You were worth it. You are worthy of it all.