Bittersweet

Bittersweet. As I sit here and think about my life and where I am at right now, that's the word that fits.
Bittersweet.

I don't really know what the future holds for me right now. I don't know where I will be working this year or what I'll be doing. I know I will be taking classes but other then that my future is unclear. I won't be returning to my second home, to the family I have grown to love so deeply and the people I have walked these last two amazing years with. I won't be returning to the most beautiful nation I have ever seen in a few weeks, instead I will be staying in one of the greatest cities of the world, which so happens to be my hometown.

I'm not gonna lie and say I'm not sad or upset or mad, because I've felt all of these things, and quite possibly might even feel them over the next few weeks. But that's ok. My emotions are valid. I'm not crazy, I'm not too emotional, I'm just me. The last 2 years I've learned about who I am, and the way God created me. And God created me to feel things, to feel them with passion, to feel them at great depths. My heart is sad and hurts because selfishly I want to be in Oxford, I want to be changing the world, I want to be a light. I want to be with the community who has challenged me, loved me, made me laugh and cry, the community which has become my family, I want to return to them.

But I can do that here. I can be a light here. I can create that community here. God is not limited to New Zealand or Thailand or Africa or Asia or Chicago. God is so big and so great and His plans are so much better. He can use me anywhere, actually He doesn't even need to use me but He chooses to use me and you. He chooses to use us in mighty ways to make a difference, to change people's lives. It is sweet that I get to live out the life God has called me. To live amongst the people I've known my whole life. It is sweet that right now I am called to be home, to be there for my friends and family, to create community wherever I go.

I am excited about this next year. When I've asked people to pray for me, a few came back and told me that they just get this really excited feeling and that they are super excited for what is going to come next. God is always keeping me on my toes, 3 years ago when I graduated from college, I never would've thought that I'd become a missionary and move to New Zealand and travel and tell people about Jesus. That my heart would break for the 27 million. That my heart cries out for justice. That I would be attending Seminary for Christian Ministry and Global Studies. God is a God of surprises and of interruptions. And as much as it hurts or is sad, life is so SO good and it is so sweet, but for right now it's a little bittersweet.

So please love me, ask me how I'm doing, invite me to things, help me transition to being home. I'm sorry if I share too many stories of life overseas, I'm not trying to brag or anything, it's just my life. It's what I've done, it's my testimony. I'm sorry if sometimes I seem sad or distant, my heart at times will be thousands of miles away.

And for my community and my family that are miles away, I love you. I miss you. I want to hear about your life. I want to still be a part of it all. Email me. Imessage me. Skype me. Or even greater send a letter. I promise I'll send one back. I will miss you terribly this year but I will pray for you every single day.

Pray for me as I transition and move through this bittersweet time.