I wrote this on the eve of my 30th birthday, but I also think it sums up this past decade as well for me.

Today is the last day of my 20s. I look back at the last 10 years of my life and I can't believe that this is my life and just how far I've come. 10 years ago in 2009, when I turned 20, I was counseling at the camp I grew up going to. The place where I recommitted my life to Jesus when I was 13. Where I was challenged in so many different ways. Where I dressed up ridiculously, lost my voice so many times and laughed so much. Where I met lifelong friends who I still catch up with whenever I am home. Camp is and forever will be a very special place to me. Camp is where I learned SO many bible verses that I have used so much when I am telling people about Jesus and declaring the truth of who God says they are and who He says He is. I've gone from being a camper, to a jr. counselor, to a counselor and summer staff, to a program team member and not I observe from afar and I am a prayer warrior. I believe in the power of camp and I believe in the power of taking time set apart for God and for adventures and for fun. I will always smile thinking back to my time at LGYC and am so grateful that I said yes to going to camp when I was 8 because I wouldn't be the person I am today without my time there.


I graduated University in the past decade. Got a degree that I wasn't so sure I wanted, but God has used the things I learned during my time at North Park and through my education degree to reach the nations. I have taught English in a few different countries now. I know how to teach to different learning styles. I'm grateful for North Park and my time there. The people I met, that challenged me, that changed me and that helped me become me. North Park was where I led small groups, gave tours of the university, lived in community, had challenging conversations of what I believe and why, growing in my faith and making it my own. I am grateful for those 4 years and the good, the bad, and the ugly. To my friends from North Park, thank you for the part you've played in my life and I am grateful for you.

When I was 21 and 22, life was hard. Life was dark and I didn't know what God was saying or calling me into. I didn't know what the purpose of my life was. But I went to a conference that changed my life. Where my heart was broken for justice and I felt the call to go and do something. So at the age of 23 I hopped on a plane and flew halfway around the world and landed in a small town in the middle of the South Island of New Zealand and God flipped my world upside down. I found a home. I found a tribe of people to run with. I found myself. I discovered more of why I was made, the dream God had when He created me. Ever since that day when I came to do my Dts, my life has been radically changed. I have been radically changed. I have become more comfortable in who I am and who God has made me to be. I have been challenged in so many ways. I have led teams to countries I've never been to. I have had to speak in front of 100s of people. I have had to step out of my comfort zone so many times. I have been to 11 new countries. I have done things I never knew I wanted to do. I have fallen in love with a nation I couldn't find on a map 10 years ago. I have met some of the most extraordinary people with amazing testimonies of who God is and how faithful He has been. I have been challenged to step out in leadership, to step out in speaking and to pray for miracles. And I have seen my God be faithful and for Him to turn up and for miracles to happen and for healing to come.

The last ten years have also been filled with moments of sorrow and confusion, of sadness and grief. I have had to say goodbye to my grandmas. I have learned to grieve from afar when people pass away and you are on the other side of the world. I had a season of being home int he States when all I wanted was to be home in New Zealand. There has been seasons of walking through confusion and just uncertainty of what God was doing, but knowing that He is worthy. But I've also had the great joy of seeing friends get married and have babies. Of the joy of becoming an aunt to two of the best boys and adopting so many other nieces and nephews all over the world. I have the bitter sweetness of watching them grow up from afar but when I am with them, it is the best time and I treasure it with my whole heart. I have gained another family, really I have gained many families all over the world. I am so grateful for my New Zealand family, for the people who have adopted me into their families and made me one of their own. I am grateful for my YWAM family- all of them, wherever they are. I am so grateful for the time I had with you, wherever we met and for however long we were together, I am grateful for you.

If you had told me ten years ago I would be living in New Zealand, being a part of a global missions movement, teaching about God and traveling the world- I would have laughed at you. I would've said no way, that's not me. I have been pushed and stretched in the last ten years. I have grown and become more of myself. I have learned SO much in the last ten years but also realize there is still SO much more that I don't know. Life looks a lot different then what I thought it would, but honestly I wouldn't trade it. Life is good and it is full and I am so grateful that this is the life God has called me to live.

The last ten years I have learned that He is just so worthy of all of me. Of all my gifts, talents, time, money, passports, visas, homes, and my life. He is worthy of my comfort and my being uncomfortable. He is worthy of my voice, my tears, my joy and my sorrow. I have fallen more in love with the one who created me in the past ten years and I have fallen in love with sharing His love with people. I want to be a shining one for Him, that people see a difference in my life and how I live. that they want to know about the one who has set me free and has set them free, the one who created me and knew me before I was born 30 years ago. The one who knows my name and knows the days ahead and never leaves me.

So thank you to each of you who has played a part in my life. For my North Park family, thank you for all the memories, for classes, weekends, hanging out and to helping me out of my comfort zone. To my camp family, thank you for full summers. For late nights and early mornings, Caribou and Starbucks runs, messy games and losing my voice. For the craziness that is camp. Thank you. To my church family, who has loved me and supported me my entire life, thank you. I would not be the person I am today without you in it. I would not be able to be where I am today without you. Thank you for praying for me. For loving from afar. I am grateful. To my YWAM family, all of you, all over the world. Thank you. Thank you for revealing God to me in different ways, through culture, through conversations and through love. Thank you for seeing me at my best and my worst. I am grateful for each and everyone of you in my life. To my New Zealand family, thank you for adopting me and making me one of your own. Thank you for loving me and accepting me. Thank you for being a safe place for me and for being an escape when I need to get out of my YWAM bubble. And to everyone else that might not fit into one of these boxes, thank you for your role in my life. I am grateful for you and whatever part you played in my journey.

And to my family- thank you for loving me for the past 30 years. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for the prayers and love. Thank you for your support. Mom and Dad, words can't describe how grateful I am for you. Thank you for always challenging me to do my best, to seek God's heart for what He has for me and for all that you have done for me and will do. I am eternally grateful for you.

So here's to 30 and a new decade of my life. Here's to all the adventures that it holds for me, the challenges and the excitement. I can't wait to see where I'll be in ten years.

To the ones I leave behind

To the ones I leave behind. 

I love you. I care deeply about you. You might question my motives or how I can live halfway around the world from my family, from the friends I've known my entire life, and from the city I love. From the comforts of home. From the familiarity and safety of it all. 

Know that it is not easy. Know that it hurts. Know that my heart breaks when I have to say goodbye. Today as I said goodbye my to my sister, nephews and brother in law, my heart ripped in two. To not be able to hear Aunt Val every day, to not get sweet hugs, kisses and cuddles from them, to not be able to watch them grow up and see how much they change day by day. It hurts. It hurts my heart and o how I've cried. Today as my nephew was crying with me because he is learning to process this, what does saying goodbye mean? He also gave me a big hug and asked if that helped, if that made it better and why I was sad. Honestly, that made it better but it also just tore my heart into a bigger mess. This sweet little boy gets me and o how I love my nephews and my sister and brother in law. I love my family and if I could I would bring them with me or I would stay here. But that is not where God is calling me right now. 

He isn't calling me to be with my family. My friends. My home. I'm called to go. To bring other people into the church, into God's family. He has called me to find my home somewhere else. He has called me to be someone else's aunt. Sister. Friend. He has called me to love the least of these. To be family to those who might not have one. To create a home wherever I am. To bringing the comforting love of God to the dark and dying places. He has called me to go. He has called me to fight for justice. 

He calls us all to go. To be a light: to be the salt of the world. I'm just called a little further than you are. 

But know that I love you. Know that you are never far from my thoughts and prayers. Know that my heart is very much with you. Know that I need you. Know that I need your love and support, in prayers, good thoughts, and finances. I can’t do this without you. Know that I need you.  But know that New Zealand is also home. Know that I've created a family there. And while I'm home here in Chicago, I miss them. I miss my Friday night Crew. I miss my church family. I miss the families who have taken me in as their own. Who have pretty much adopted me into their families. I miss them now, just as much as I miss you when I am with them. 

My heart is in a hundred places all over this world. I pray that my heart doesn't get calloused to goodbyes. I pray my heart remains tender and soft. I'm okay with being sad and with missing people because that means I feel love for something, it means that there is something bigger than me going on. 

I also know that He is faithful. He is worthy. He is so worthy of my life. My everything. God is worthy of the pain, sadness and distance. But he doesn't leave me in that. He meets me there and He comforts me. He brings people alongside of me to be my family wherever I go. He brings me into other people's lives so I can be their Aunt Val or Ate Val (the Philippines) or Pi Val ( Thailand). So I can love on kids who don't have that. Jesus has given me so much love to give to so many people. He has given me His heart for the world and it is deep and vast and wide. I pray that He continues to give me family all over the world, to continue to grow my heart for Him. For them. And for you. 

So to those I leave behind...I see you. I hear you. I value you. I love you. I do not leave you behind, I take you with me. You are a part of me, as I am a part of you. Know it is not easy to say goodbye but know that He is worthy of it. 

How Lovely

How lovely is your dwelling place,

   O LORD Almighty.

My soul yearns and even faints

  for the courts of the LORD;

my heart and my flesh cry out

  for the living God.

~Psalm 84:1-2

A week ago in class I meditated on these verses following the RWSSP plan.

Read it

Write it

Say it

Sing it

Pray it

As I read through the verses over and over for a few minutes, the phrase, "How lovely is your dwelling place," stuck out to me, so I wrote it down. I then began to ask God what do you mean by lovely? He shared with me that He means not only lovely but also:

How Beautiful

Majestic

Wondrous

Awe-inspiring

Comforting

Restful

Gorgeous

Homey.

Then I began to ask God where is His dwelling place. His throne room is the first one most of us automatically think of, and these words describe his throne room. His throne room is beautiful, majestic, wondrous, homey and awe-inspiring. Creation is another place that God dwells. He dwells here on earth. He has created this place to be lovely, beautiful, gorgeous, comforting, and awe-inspiring. How many times have I driven down the road and my breath is taken away by the beauty of this country? God chooses to dwell here because it is lovely.

But the other thing that I began to write and God speak to me is this:

You dwell in us. We are your dwelling place. You call us lovely. You call us beautiful. You dwell within us. This world is your dwelling place. It is beautiful. There is beauty in the brokenness. It is there you meet with. 

Not only is God's throne room and creation lovely but WE are His dwelling place and He call su lovely. He calls us worthy. He calls us beautiful, majestic, awe-inspiring, comforting, homey, and wondrous. These words that we would use to describe the majesty of the throne room, that we read in Revelation 4 or Isaiah 6, or the beauty of creation- the Psalms are full of declaring the beauty of creation. And yet, with these words He would also describe us! He would describe us as beautiful, majestic, homey, and awe-inspiring. The one who created everything is so in love with the people He created. He chooses to dwell not only just amongst us but also IN us. That is just so amazing. 

We are lovely.

We are beautiful.

We are majestic. 

We are wondrous.

We are comforting.

We are awe-inspiring.

We are His dwelling place.

If we could just begin to wrap our brains around the fact that this is His heart and His thoughts for us, I believe we would be in constant praise and adoration of Him. He is just so worthy of all that we have because He is so deserving of it. He is a gentleman and does not go where He is not invited. I have been so challenged with how I live my life and just how much of my life am I actually giving to God. Am I willing to give up sleep to spend extra time with Him? Am I willing to give up popular music, movies, and TV shows because they are not glorifying God and edifying to my soul? Am I willing to look like a fool because this God of the universe has chosen me to be His dwelling place? Am I willing to stand apart from those around me?

I am not a part of this world. My home is in heaven. I am called to be a part of an upside down culture. I am called to be set apart. I am called to be His and to be His dwelling place. I want to give Him my everything for as long as I live. I want to run the race set before me, fixing my eyes on Jesus. I know who I am and whose I am! I am His dwelling place, and He calls me by name. He calls me to a higher standard. I am His beloved and He is mine.

Christmas Away

So a questioned I've been asked a lot recently is...so what made you come before Christmas? or How can you leave your family at Christmas time?

Well my answer for that is simple...because it's what God said to do. I felt called to come back to New Zealand in early December to see off a few of my dear friends before they went on outreach. I felt called to come back to reconnect with my co-leader in person and spend time planning the school in the same place. I wanted to come back and reunite with people in Oxford that I had said I'll see you in 4 months...and didn't come back for a year and a half. I wanted to build relationships with people at the church I attend and really begin to set some roots. I wanted to continue to build on friendships here and continue to make this place feel like home even more.

Christmas was hard at first this year. On Christmas Eve and Christmas morning I broke down in tears because I missed home and I missed my family. I talked to my parents briefly and it just made me miss them even more. I texted with friends and talked with my roommates. I miss my uncle and my heart breaks for his family as they experience the first Christmas without him. I miss the little things that I took for granted and cherish so dearly now.

But today was also a really good day. I got to skype with my parents which I didn't think I would get to do. I got to do Christmas morning with my roommates and open presents. I spent the day with a really great Kiwi family who adopted me as one of their own and opened their home up. We had a massive Christmas dinner, sat around and talked, played games, went on a walk, and just really felt like part of a family. I came home and am extremely thankful that today I got to experience a bit of my bigger family. I got to experience a new depth of God's love and He felt every so close today. He brought peace and comfort, not only through Himself but through other people. The family that adopted me knew that this would be a rough day and so we (my friend Kelsey and I) were met with lots of hugs and asking how we were. Sharing about what Christmas looks like where we are from and they did what they could to make it feel a bit more like home.

So when asked how can you do Christmas away, my response is...yes Christmas is hard to be away but I get to learn more about the family I have with God. I get to be comforted by the one who knows me the best. I get loved on people both near and far. But Christmas and any other day spent away from where I grew up, from my family and friends, is one more day that I continually say that God is worth it. He is worth the time away from friends and family. He is worth so much more than anything that I could give Him and this is just one thing that I can do. I am called to a beautiful country filled with beautiful people and I am happy here, but on days like today, when it's a bit harder to be far away from family, I just remind myself that He is worth it and then I ask the one who created me to stay close and to speak to my innermost being. On days when it's hard, I get to just sit in my heavenly Father's lap and let Him love me and comfort me. On days like today, I get to glimpse a little bit of what heaven's going to be like and it's going to be awesome.

One Year Later

A year ago today I made the announcement that I would be staying stateside and going to seminary. Today I paid for my last classes and turned in my application for graduation. It's crazy to think about all that has happened in a year and all that I have experienced. I am so grateful for this past year at home. There have been times that have challenged me and tried me, there have been moments of great joy and sorrow. And you know what I wouldn't change it. My friendships with people have grown much stronger and deeper. I have been able to be vulnerable and open with people and to share what God has been teaching me in this journey of life. I have been given opportunities to lead and to follow. I have been able to see many of my lovely friends and family from around the world this past year. God knows exactly what we need and the timing in which we need it and this past year was one of growth and relationship building for myself.

It was during Teen Camp a year ago that I found out that my visa was denied, and it was the perfect spot for me to find out because I was surrounded by people that I love and who love me. These are the people who see you at your best and worst and still love you. These are the people who have encouraged me for years and have seen me grow from camper to teen staffer to counselor to program director. Last week I returned to be on the program team for Teen Camp once again. After months of planning and organizing it was time to finally see it all come together and have the campers arrive.

Let me tell you camp was amazing, in so many more ways than I was expecting. I was expecting to laugh a lot and have some really great conversations with people. I was expecting to see God to work but He blew my mind away. I saw God change the heart of a camper who we did not know what to do with her at the beginning of the week but at the end she was standing with arms held high praising God. No heart, no person is never too far away from God. Prayer does wonders. I saw the answer to prayer on Friday night, and with tears streaming down my face He gave me another reminder that He is always at work. I had campers come up to me saying do you remember me? You were my counselor when I was 9 or when I was at this camp? It was amazing to see how they have grown and developed and that they are still coming to camp. I had campers tell me that camp has changed their life and you know what I say to that, it changed mine too.

I have been going to Lake Geneva Youth Camp since I was 8. I got my patches. I worked in the kitchen, in handcraft, on rec staff and as a counselor. I have gone to teen camp and worked family camp. I have fallen in love with God every single summer. I have created life long friendships that even if we don't talk for a while pick up exactly where we left off. I believe in the power of summer camp and how it is such a unique place to meet with God and to experience family, community and to hear the truth of God. Last Saturday was one of the hardest days for me. I had to say good bye to my second home. I am returning to New Zealand in December and I won't be home for camp next summer and my heart is sad about that. I had to say good bye to the family that I have created over the past 18 years of my life. It was and still has been an emotional week. I know that God has big plans for this next year and that next summer will be great and I will be doing Kingdom work wherever I am but my heart will be a little bit sad that I won't be in one of my favorite places in the world with my camp family. But I will cherish the time and memories and will be excitingly looking forward to the next time I am able to be there again. It's crazy all the things that can happen for year and looking forward I cannot wait to see where God will take me next.

Journey Off the Map

My emotions have been a bit all over the place this past week, let's be real, over the past year but even more so this past week. I think a big part of it was because I saw God's hand at work. I saw God's kingdom come to earth in my church. I saw the one part of the body come together to help another part and man it was a beautiful sight that brought me to tears every. single. day.

This past week I had the opportunity to co-direct the VBS at my church. It's been amazing to see how everything comes together after months of planning. The time, the effort, the conversations and decisions that come into play. This year we made some big changes to our VBS program, we got rid of crafts and we got rid of water games. The curriculum we were using was called Journey Off The Map and it's all about how we need to know our guide, trust our guide, and follow Him. God is our guide and sometimes He takes us on adventures where we didn't know we were going. This has been my journey the last four years and it has been a wild ride but the greatest adventure I could ever go on. I have journeyed off the map and gone places I never thought I would want to go too or fall in love with. Even this last year and being home to help plan VBS has been part of that journey. This past year and working at Starbucks and going to Seminary has been different than what I thought God had planned for me but HIS plans are perfect. 

Anyways back to VBS, there was also a missions component that we felt was more important than crafts. It told the story of two different kids. Gracie, who is a missionary in Lesotho Africa with her parents and sisters. The other is a story of kid named Eddie who started a bible study after school with some friends that grew into a church in Fontana, California. Funny thing is, that church is where one of my best friends from YWAM attends and has helped form him into the man of God that he is. These stories show how God uses us wherever we are and that we can be a part of missions here in the states doing something as simple as a bible study or you can be called overseas to serve in the villages of Africa. God will use you wherever you are, just listen for His voice sayings "This is the way, now walk in it."

Every year we take an offering for a missionary or an organization. Two years ago the kids raised money for me to go back to New Zealand. This year we raised money for Sila Home which was one of the children's homes I worked with in Thailand. We didn't know how much we would raise but every day as we sang the song, How Much Does it Weigh?, and the kids were running forward with their change for the offering my eyes welled with tears. It's a beautiful thing to see kids raising money for other kids in another country. Today we tallied how much money and how much "weight" the kids brought in. We had set a goal of 225 pounds. They brought in 444 pounds of change and it totaled over $1200. In that moment I was overwhelmed with the goodness of God and how His plans and his connections for us are the best thing. He has brought us together as a family to take care of one another. I know that it doesn't seem like much but this week I saw God's kingdom come to earth and I saw His hands move in my church. 

As we look around the world, we can become overwhelmed with all the evil and terrible things that are happening but we must remember who is in control. He is our guide and we can trust Him. He knows what is happening. We just have to take a look around and see the goodness of God. It's there, we just have to ask for His eyes to see it. 

Bittersweet

Bittersweet. As I sit here and think about my life and where I am at right now, that's the word that fits.
Bittersweet.

I don't really know what the future holds for me right now. I don't know where I will be working this year or what I'll be doing. I know I will be taking classes but other then that my future is unclear. I won't be returning to my second home, to the family I have grown to love so deeply and the people I have walked these last two amazing years with. I won't be returning to the most beautiful nation I have ever seen in a few weeks, instead I will be staying in one of the greatest cities of the world, which so happens to be my hometown.

I'm not gonna lie and say I'm not sad or upset or mad, because I've felt all of these things, and quite possibly might even feel them over the next few weeks. But that's ok. My emotions are valid. I'm not crazy, I'm not too emotional, I'm just me. The last 2 years I've learned about who I am, and the way God created me. And God created me to feel things, to feel them with passion, to feel them at great depths. My heart is sad and hurts because selfishly I want to be in Oxford, I want to be changing the world, I want to be a light. I want to be with the community who has challenged me, loved me, made me laugh and cry, the community which has become my family, I want to return to them.

But I can do that here. I can be a light here. I can create that community here. God is not limited to New Zealand or Thailand or Africa or Asia or Chicago. God is so big and so great and His plans are so much better. He can use me anywhere, actually He doesn't even need to use me but He chooses to use me and you. He chooses to use us in mighty ways to make a difference, to change people's lives. It is sweet that I get to live out the life God has called me. To live amongst the people I've known my whole life. It is sweet that right now I am called to be home, to be there for my friends and family, to create community wherever I go.

I am excited about this next year. When I've asked people to pray for me, a few came back and told me that they just get this really excited feeling and that they are super excited for what is going to come next. God is always keeping me on my toes, 3 years ago when I graduated from college, I never would've thought that I'd become a missionary and move to New Zealand and travel and tell people about Jesus. That my heart would break for the 27 million. That my heart cries out for justice. That I would be attending Seminary for Christian Ministry and Global Studies. God is a God of surprises and of interruptions. And as much as it hurts or is sad, life is so SO good and it is so sweet, but for right now it's a little bittersweet.

So please love me, ask me how I'm doing, invite me to things, help me transition to being home. I'm sorry if I share too many stories of life overseas, I'm not trying to brag or anything, it's just my life. It's what I've done, it's my testimony. I'm sorry if sometimes I seem sad or distant, my heart at times will be thousands of miles away.

And for my community and my family that are miles away, I love you. I miss you. I want to hear about your life. I want to still be a part of it all. Email me. Imessage me. Skype me. Or even greater send a letter. I promise I'll send one back. I will miss you terribly this year but I will pray for you every single day.

Pray for me as I transition and move through this bittersweet time.